Mortality and My Breast

Warning: This post will contain the word "breast" numerous times. Oh my! No, it's not really that salacious, saucy or sexy. But an attempt to explain why I've not been blogging at my usual rate of late. And I'm only mentioning it all now because I got the all-clear on Monday, and therefore with somewhat of a weight being lifted from my mind, now seems like an alright time to blog about it.

A little over a month ago, I found a lump in my left breast, which was accompanied by quite a bit of pain.

You know that thing that terrifies all women and immediately makes you feel like the world is rushing on very quickly while you're standing right in front of it. I booked in to see the doctor and talked it over with him and he said that if it hadn't cleared up within a week or two, to come back. With my age (24), he said it'd be more likely to be hormones than something dreadful like breast cancer, but you can't help but worry regardless...

In a couple weeks, the pain still hadn't gone away and I wasn't entirely sure about the lumpy bit. I booked in to see the doc again and was getting to be rather worried about it.

This time around, he did a breast check. Which was of course rather random, as I'm not in the habit of going into stranger's offices and taking off my top, so it was an interesting place to start... And he had cold hands and was apologising for them while I lay on the table with the rather silly/sarcastic part of my mind thinking, "Please, let's not talk and spoil this oh-so-special moment..."

It felt all clear to him (I was going to say "good," but that could be taken the wrong way), but he referred me to have an ultrasound done because the pain should have cleared up. I had that done a couple days after seeing the doctor, and that involved getting my gear off for strangers again. Noice. So there I am, in the radiology place having my breast smeared with ultrasound gel while I'm asking the girl doing it where she got her gorgeous shoes.

As you do.

It's strange, as you don't really know what else to do once the small talk is over and the ultrasound is just going on. Looking at the ceiling worked quite well (in the "Lie back and think of England!" fashion, I imagine). But trying to relax and stop one's mind from poking around at the deeper, darker thoughts of mortality and "This could be one ultrasound wand stroke away from some very bad news..."

It was such an ENORMOUS relief when the technician said that everything looked okay and to her eyes, and there didn't seem to be anything to worry about. I nearly fainted with relief and I think my parents nearly did too, when I rang them as soon as I got out of the radiology place to tell them the good news.

On Monday, I heard back from the doc that the ultrasounds were all clear of any cancer, fibroid-somethings and "shadows" (whatever they may be) and no follow-up is required. So hopefully the rest of things will work themselves out. And anyone reading this hasn't been too traumatised by the numerous "breast" mentions.

Now that this particularly deep worry is pretty much off my mind, hopefully brainspace will be freed up to come up with more cheerful, interesting and/or amusing blog entries.

Oh, I must add this while I think of it. It's one of the reasons I didn't tell too many people about it. But when you're not ill/have health concerns/whatever you probably don't realise how deeply unhelpful it is to say to someone to "be positive" or "pray" or "think well about it and it'll all be okay."

Being positive is great, prayer does work in some cases and thinking well is nice enough, but it's not what people with health concerns need to hear. Most of them are trying to be positive and when they share their worries that something serious might be wrong with them, they don't want some glib reply about the power of crystal healing/how they can be touched by an angel/will "definitely" be right as rain/etc.

This is mainly because it will make them want to shove a carrot right up your nose to see how "positive" and "prayerful" you feel about it. If someone's sharing their health worries, just try to be supportive. Listen. Offer help/care if you live nearby. Pray for them. Make them smile by finding things to laugh or joke about. Just don't go in with the "be positive and you'll be fine!"

Or you may just find a root vegetable in your nasal cavity.

Conversely, I must say thanks to the people I did tell who were fantastic with it all, particularly my parents, Glenn, Boss, Deb, Joshy, Mr DB, Nym and any others I may have left of the muchos, muchos, muchos gracias list (sorry if I have!). I have endless love for you all.