Fantasy Australia Day

Starting with tonight's Australia Day Concert, Russell Crowe's band, Thirty Odd Foot of Grunt or whatever it's called now will fall through a large trapdoor in the stage at the concert on the lawns of Parliament House. When B-grade celebrities who go over to see what happened/help/laugh will also fall in. Hopefully politicians will follow. Apart from Natasha Stott-Despoja. She's too smart for all of that anyways. She should seize the opportunity and become our first female Prime Minister.

The Australian of the Year will be Tim Costello, for his tireless work with those who are in need of help and because we want to see the look on John Howard's face when he has to present the award to Rev Costello (and try to explain why Peter will never be Prime Minister, even if it's just because he's not enough of a slimy weasel-pants).

Anyone using the phrase "unAustralian" about anyone or anything will be clubbed over the head with a packet of uncooked sausages. This includes the Prime Minister. He seemed to start the trend of that variety of almost laughably mini-hysterical finger-pointing name-calling, so maybe he should be the first to feel the love.

Australia Day Council ads on TV that say, "All new citizens make a pledge of commitment to Australia and its people. On Australia Day, shouldn't we all?" will induce everyone to change the channel and watch SBS news because we're not America; we're a diverse, multicultural society who don't need pseudo-nationalism and wanky allegiance pledges to know that we're all Australian.

Australia itself will find a new, happy identity with which to face the world. One that embraces all of the people and nationalities within our great big country and says that there really isn't any one Australian way to be. We're all here to live in peace with each other and to grow in tolerance and understanding. One that isn't based on yobbos, convicts, ANZACs, bogans, sun-bronzed beach gods, Steve Irwin, Crocodile Dundee or Home & Away alone.

The annoying man who does the lamb ads will be taken out and shot. Repeatedly. Quite possibly by all of those "minority" groups who are insulted by his drivel.

People who say, "If you don't like Orrrstraya the way it is, yer can bugger orf back to where yer came from," will stop forthwith, realising that diversity of opinion and the need for intelligent debate about the direction that Australia is taking is important for our growth and future development.

Amanda Vanstone will be given a year's free accommodation at the Baxter Detention Centre, just for the experience.

And we will be lead to a glorious new, happy future with Natasha Stott-Despoja at the political helm! At least she doesn't have eyebrows that look like they'd eat puppies for breakfast or a voice like a retarded rosella :)