Real estate agent talk

In my hunt for a new home, I've decided that real estate agents are weasels with words. They should stop pretending that "Renovator's delight" doesn't mean that the roof has fallen in over part of the hall way and that the place hasn't been painted in at least 20 years.

Currently looking through some real estate ads, and I think I've figured out what a few terms mean.

...A great open living area, with a sensation of space... means: It does have a sensation of space, yes. But that's only when there's no furniture in the room. Once you get one chair and a coffee table in, the room looks cluttered and you can't get past to go to the kitchen without hurlding the table.

...Cosy wood heater and alarm system... means: Why mention an alarm system? Is it more important than the spa? Why, yes. It's in an area where people will break in to steal the spa. The alarm will be needed. You might want to strap your granny down when in this area, too, just in case people decide to steal her.

...Located at the end of a quiet no-through road... means: This is at the end of a dirt road that's beyond the black stump... or at least 10kms from the main street of the town.

...Old world charm... means: The house is likely to fall over within three months of you moving in to it. This is something that the landlord has noticed and will blame on you. But at least you can admire the pressed-tin work as it collapses around your head at 3am on a windy morning.

...Just a stroll from shops/river/school/etc... means: A bit more than a stroll. You might want to consider taking a packed lunch. Or at least a 2 liter water bottle.

...Immaculate in presentation... means: You won't feel comfortable here. The landlord will be someone who swoops down upon the house to do inspections. They will wear white gloves and run their fingers over every surface, inspecting for dust. One speck found and they will make a face like Alexander Peacock.

...Perfect for families... means: The last people who lived here gave the house a thorough bashing in terms of wear and tear. We've done our best to do it up, but we wouldn't be renting it to young professionals who'd want to host dinner parties. Your children can scribble on the walls to their heart's content here. But you will be charged for cleaning it off...

...Sought-after area... means: Well, it's not really, but it sounds better to say it. We're hoping for a quick rental because we've got a large mortgage to pay off and the debt collectors are threatening to reposess the telly.